Koalas, the creatures that singlehandedly prove Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, have to conserve every last bit of energy for eating, mating (apparently koala porn is intense), more eating, and moving from tree to tree, which they only do at night.

However, wherever you find koalas, you’ll also find drop bears. If you think that polar bears were the only bears to attack humans unprovoked, you are tragically mistaken. Drop bears basically don’t give a fuck, and will use their massive claws to latch onto the faces of anyone unfortunate enough to look directly at them.

As you can see, I chose discretion as the better part of valor, photographing this drop bear, with his fearsome claws, from a safe angle. Should you ever find yourself beset by a drop bear, you won’t even be able to kiss your ass goodbye, since the fearsome beast will be covering your face, which will soon cease to exist.

If possible, any would-be rescuer must play some jazz music (too small a body of research exists to explain why this is so successful) and scratch the drop bear between its ears. with the other hand, the paws must be massaged until the claws relax. This is more difficult than one may imagine, since the drop bear is, at this point, still destroying your face, and, as such, is not sitting still.

Once all four paws have come loose, the drop bear can be picked up by the scruff of the neck and held against the nearest gum tree, which it will grip with a speed and intensity which is both amazing and frightening.

Then you must avert your eyes and walk quickly away.